
Ever wondered why seemingly small things can trigger us?
Ever looked back on a situation and thought “I over reacted to that,” but not sure why?
Ever experienced big emotions to a seemingly small event such as the kids leaving the towel on the floor or not being listened to by your partner?
You are so not alone, this can be really common….. but why does this happen?
Our early life experiences, both big and small, can shape who we are and how we see ourselves. By the age of seven we have already developed an internal narrative about ourselves, how others may think about us and the world we live in. This narrative is then used as a lens that we see our experiences through, to try to protect us from any potential threat.
Small-t trauma is not something that a lot of us are aware of as it is not as well-known as PTSD or what we call big-T trauma that we hear of in the media. However, small-t trauma can still have a big impact on how we develop a sense of self and can impact on our emotional and psychological well-being. Examples of small-t traumas that may have been experienced in our early life include:
Being teased or bullied
Witnessing conflict between parents or caregivers
Feeling left out or excluded
Being blamed for something that wasn't our fault
Being shamed or ridiculed
Having our accomplishments downplayed
Being constantly criticised, rejected or compared to others
Experiencing insensitive remarks
Feeling unsafe or unsupported
Over time, repeated exposure to small-t traumas can lead to the development of negative beliefs about ourselves, with a common narrative being a sense of "not good enough". This can be triggered by a variety of factors including, negative feedback, comparing ourselves to others or setting unrealistic standards on ourselves, which we cannot sustain.
Once a "not good enough" narrative develops, it can be difficult to break free from. We may start seeing ourselves as unworthy of love, success, and happiness. This can lead to a number of negative consequences, such as:
Fear of success: We may be afraid to take risks or pursue our goals because we believe that we will ultimately fail.
Relationship problems: Our "not good enough" narrative can damage our relationships. We may be overly critical of our partners or withdraw from them emotionally because we don't believe that we deserve to be loved.
Parenting problems: If our childhood was difficult, it can affect how we parent our own children. We may worry that we're not a good enough parent and be self-critical or compare ourselves to parents who seem to always get it right.
Self-sabotaging behaviours: We may engage in self-sabotaging behaviours, such as procrastination, perfectionism, and people-pleasing, in an attempt to avoid failure and rejection.
So, what can we do to change this?
The good news is that it is possible to heal from small-t traumas and change our "not good enough" narrative. Here are a few tips:
Acknowledge and validate our experiences. It is important to acknowledge and validate our experiences, even if they seem minor. This means allowing ourselves to feel the emotions that come up, and accepting that what happened to us was real and hurtful. For example, if we think about the towel being left on the floor, it is unlikely to be about the towel, but could be that we are feeling unheard, disrespected or not important, as we have asked 100 times already!
Identify our negative self-talk. Pay attention to the thoughts that go through our head when we make a mistake or experience failure. When we notice the “not good enough “ narrative piping up, challenge these thoughts by reminding ourselves that everyone makes mistakes, and that we are good enough, even when we fall short.
Be kind and understanding towards ourselves. When we make a mistake, instead of beating ourselves up, try to be understanding and forgiving. Remind ourselves that everyone makes mistakes, and that we are doing the best we can.
Focus on our strengths. Make a list of our strengths and accomplishments and read it over whenever we are feeling down. This will help us to remember that we are good enough, even if we do mess up sometimes.
The key things to remember is that many of us have experienced small-t trauma and that recognising this is a great first step in changing things for the better. Being able to drop the “not good enough” narrative can be a game changer and is totally possible…. And you might just not shout quite so loud next time the towels are left on the floor too!!
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